By Shifa Sarguru Mar 19, 2022
Photo by Alexander Pemberton on Unsplash
Lorri Gottlieb is a therapist based in Los Angeles. In her book, “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.”, she explores her patient’s lives anonymously–a self-absorbed Hollywood Producer, a young newlywed diagnosed with a terminal illness, a senior citizen threatening to end her life on her birthday if nothing gets better, and a twenty something who can’t stop hooking up with the wrong guys–and Lori’s own account of seeking her therapist, Wendell.
With wise compassion and humor, Gottlieb dives deeper into her world as she sits on both sides of the room–as a therapist and a patient. Here are the three key takeaways from the book.
Idiot Compassion & Loving Truth Bombs
Lori mentions while giving an account of her patient John, a term called “Idiot Compassion.”
“In idiot compassion, you avoid rocking the boat to spare people’s feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty.”
In any argument we desire approval from others, especially those we feel connected to. We want them to side with us, to tell us that it is not our fault and that it’s the other person’s wrongdoing. “You didn’t deserve this.” or “They were in the wrong.” These statements are what Buddhists call idiot compassion. An approval that fulfills our short term needs. Lori writes that sometimes people need wise compassion, which is akin to holding a mirror to the person and helping them notice their own role in the situation.
It is giving them a ‘loving truth bomb’, when needed. “Idiot compassion feels so soothing in the short-term, but in therapy, we want to give people something far more valuable than a Band Aid. We want to give them a sense of awareness that will serve them well in the long term.”
What makes us all human
Reading the book makes you realize that our notions about what it is to be human is fundamentally wrong. We fail to recognize what we feel and we fail to understand why we are feeling this way. The book unwinds the reasons for our common feelings even numbness that can be mistaken for a lack of feelings when it is actually: “People often mistake numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s a response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings.”
Through her patients and her own life, Lori discusses common topics: “The four ultimate concerns are death, isolation, freedom, and meaninglessness.”
Lori believes that we as humans are more similar than we are different. As we know people more deeply, we realize that everyone is struggling with the same essential questions. It’s only that these questions manifest differently for all of us. But they all boil down to common themes.
Feeling what you feel
Having wisdom and actively using it are two different things.
As Lori writes: “How many times have I said something similar to my own patients? But here I feel as if I’m hearing this for the first time.”
Even as a therapist, and an individual who is trained to understand the human mind–she struggles when it comes to her own life. It shows the importance of a therapist, they are essentially people outside of the bubble we enclose ourselves in. Which is why it is easier for them to look at the situation from a different angle than us.
“Your feelings don’t have to mesh with what you think they should be,” he explained. “They’ll be there regardless, so you might as well welcome them because they hold important clues.”
This requires self-awareness. Most of the time we are consumed by our feelings to the extent that we cannot distinguish one from another. We all desire control in our lives.
But Wendell says: “Don’t judge your feelings; notice them. Use them as your map. Don’t be afraid of the truth.” He also places emphasis on feeling the whole spectrum of emotions instead of labeling one as negative (like anger) and others as positive (like joy).
“But many people come to therapy seeking closure. Help me not to feel. What they eventually discover is that you can’t mute one emotion without muting the others. You want to mute the pain? You’ll also mute the joy.” ― Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
If you’ve ever wondered about the reality of seeking therapy–”Maybe you should talk to someone” is a book you must read.
My favorite quote from the book:
“There is a continuing decision to be made as to whether to evade pain, or to tolerate it and therefore modify it.” ― Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
Already read this book? Try other similar reads: “A Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor E. Frankl and Anxious People by Fredrik Backman.
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